my so-called life

i have been in this slump for the past few days.

i cannot seem to get through my day without downing at least four cups of coffee..only to regret it come dinner time, what with constant palpitations and the sleep deprivation that goes with it. 

with notebooks piled up and waiting for the red ink to mark them, pleadings needing to be typed and filed, errands to do and not much time to do them… i am dead tired. i feel numb.

at the end of the day, i come home to my two dogs who patiently wait for their customary hugs by their owner. sometimes i envy them. they get fed, pampered and in return, they show affection unconditionally. and that is enough for them.

tomorrow i start another round of summer classes. i want to complain but it somehow feels like i am ungrateful for all the blessings God has given. I should be thankful. i AM grateful.

its just that…sometimes, i wish things were simpler. i try to make my life as UN-complicated as possible, only to discover that the circumstances i find myself in have somehow made that more of "wishful thinking."  sometimes i wish i was younger. that way, any mistake i make i could attribute to the follies of youth.

it doesn’t help that i am starting to see signs that i am not getting any younger. yeah.. no matter how desperately we try to avoid it, reality stares back at us when we look at our face in the mirror. i pathetically muster a half-snort, half laugh.

i am trying.. really hard to push myself each morning lately to get out of bed and tell myself that i should be excited coz its a brand new day. new challenges to face, new people to meet. another opportunity to grow. That’s the operational word, "try."

i am dead tired. i haven’t realized that i was this exhausted until recently. i miss my end-of-the- day talks with really good friends. i guess good conversations, and not necessarily earthshakingly profound, mind you, just worthwhile conversations — does renew one’s spirit.. as i have been running out of such conversations from really good friends recently.   

i think it was rene n. who once told us that sooner or later, our friends will eventually be moving in separate circles and we will then find ourselves alone again. it was not so long ago that it was quite predictable to find our posse hanging out at a nearby cafe. nowadays, we shuffle through our calendars simply to pencil in those weekends were we could all be reunited again. (here’s a shout out to my friends still in law school: cherish the times you spend with your law buddies. after oath taking, it will never be the same way again.)

i miss feeling those small moments where i am truly "alive." simple moments that mean the world to me.

like savoring a really good meal and discerning what ingredients made the whole thing taste the way it did.

losing myself in a good book.

listening to tunes that make you stop and say "aaahhh…they got it!"

Or even just the simple pleasure of being with someone who makes you feel more "awake"..more "real"..more "alive" — with each moment you spend with him/her, despite your mutual lack of sleep.

these days, i find solace in the four corners of my room. i flip the remote and nothing interesting is on tv. i surf the web and nothing catches my fancy. i really am exhausted.

hitting the sheets, i toss and turn. wake up at odd hours for no apparent reason at all. damn, i miss those straight eight hours of blissful sleep. hot summer evenings don’t make the situation any easier. i am suddenly wishing i were someplace else..someplace cold.

tomorrow’s another day of the same routine. i need to pull myself out of this slump. God help me.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 16th, 2007 at 6:38 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.