my so-called life

can’t get this song out of my head. It’s the fray’s "unsaid."

—————————————————————————

Not that you’re the one
Not to say I’m right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight

But suffice it to say
We’re leaving things unsaid
We sing ourselves to sleep
Watching the day lie down instead

And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead

We’re both pretty sure
Neither one can tell
We seem difficult
What we got is hard as hell

A hundred thousand words could not quite explain
So I walk you to your car And we can talk it out in the rain

And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead
And we are leaving some things unsaid

I can sing myself to sleep
No more

Not that you’re the one
Not to say I’m right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight

in just a few hours, i will officially be checking off a different box in my applications as i am now part of that "30-35" age bracket.

funny how something so simple could be quite so profound.

as i am writing this blog post, i honestly don’t know how i should feel about the whole thing.

on the one hand, i feel a little sense of elation knowing that i should be celebrating another year of existence. one more year to do God’s work, to be the best person i could be. one more year to be thankful for the people who came into my life and made it so colorful just by their "be-ing." another year to be grateful for family and friends who have enriched my life in such a way that i never thought was possible.

on the other hand, i somehow also feel a little sense of loss. not that i should be grieving, but i do feel as if some people i used to be with are no longer on that same "place" where i am and its not something that either one should be faulted for. people do move on to different chapters in their lives and we simply have to accept the fact that your closest bud a couple of years back could no longer be your bosom buddy at this particular moment. its just the way it is. but when you do look back and remember the good ol’ days, you cannot help but feel that loss somehow.

i guess when you turn a year older, it all comes down to this… you want to be with all the ones you truly care about. it doesnt matter how big or small the celebration is, you just want to "be" with them. that is what we should be rejoicing about. and for me to miss those people, i cannot look at this day without feeling that sense of loss alongside that sense of rejoicing.

It took me a while to put my thoughts on paper about the recent passing of our beloved dean. I guess it is true what they say. When something painful hits close to home, it is indeed difficult to find the right words to describe how it feels. As I am writing this eulogy, I cannot resist the urge to listen to Jimmy Eat World’s song “Hear You Me” and somehow, the words just seem to flow. 

Dean Inigo was like a father to us all. I fondly remember him as the “Albus Dumbledore” of the law school and I guess the comparison aptly fits. He had a magic about him that can only be truly understood by someone who has had the opportunity to be taught by him.

I was not one of his brilliant students when I was in law school – certainly not a “Hermione” by anyone’s standards. If anything, I closely resembled “Neville” as I constantly fumbled along the way. Compared to him, I was but a flicker of light in his aura of brilliance.

Nonetheless, that flicker of his brilliance remains with me to this day. Three years into my practice, my little victories and lessons learned in the courtroom are but a concrete application of the lectures that dean painstakingly prepared everyday. I would like to think that he taught me well, as every legal tactic I made was a constant tribute to his teaching.

He was an educator till his very last breath. I was truly amazed to discover that he even thoughtfully asked who were the lawyers who went to manila on the recent fourth Sunday bar operations. When Bobet and Jing2 mentioned me to him, he seemed to think that it was only proper that I was there. I certainly take pride in the fact that I am the youngest in the law faculty given the task to lecture for the centralized bar operations, but this year proved to be a very poignant one as I went there completely handling that last subject, sans Dean Estrada’s supervision. Something I am certain would never happen if Dean did not have full faith in my capabilities.

I never had the opportunity to forge a bond with Dean the way the older faculty members did, but these past three years of being under his deanship gave me an opportunity to see him past the teacher’s table and more as a brother in the profession, and a father to our little family that is the law school.

I am sure I will be missing the beginning-of-the-school year dinners at Dencia’s filled with the predictable favorite dishes of Dean. I also know that I will long for those Christmas parties where Dean was like our Santa Claus and the faculty act like children in front of him. When there has been so much happiness that is shared with someone we care about, it is quite understandable to grieve for our loss. But rather than dwell on one’s grief, I do believe that is more apt to fondly remember his life as it was indeed a colorful one.

I am quite certain that Dean Inigo is in a better place right now. My colleagues lovingly say that he was eagerly fetched by Dean Estrellado so that they could have a “drinking session” alongside Dean Estrada and other legal giants in heaven and I would like to think that the same is true. So…farewell, Dean. May you enjoy your perpetual party out there with the ones closest to your heart. We will truly miss you. Maybe in God’s perfect time, we will eventually join your “drinking session”, too. 

Vaya con Dios.

last week was officially one crazy week.

i was running from one courtroom to the next only to receive both a sermon and a weird compliment all in one day. fit perfectly into a pair of jeans i have not worn for quite some time yet could not manage to find a good pair of new ones from a nearby boutique. got ecstatic about a very small victory and so bummed out over one faux pas a few seconds later. juggled from one meeting to the next that i could not keep track of days or times, chased after one elusive spare part for a car that conked out at a time when i needed to fetch a friend at the airport. vainly tried putting on a happy face when all that i wanted was to scream my lungs out about things i absolutely have no control over.

i guess it was inevitable that at the end of the week, control-freak-neurotic ol’ me decided to simply hang out with friends and let the crazy week be capped off with an even crazier night.

as it turns out, i had a fabulous time.

these past two weeks, i bore witness to life’s full circle.

I could not help but feel elated when i found out that one of my good friends just gave birth to their first child last week. It only seemed like yesterday that she and i were waltzing the corridors of the lawschool, talking about the latest fashion tips and juicy gossips — not a care in the world that exam was only a few days away. chelin grew up to be such a fine woman and a really happy mother, from the looks of it. while i begrudgingly admitted that it was officially "the end of an era", i also knew that my friend discovered what authentic joy was about.

My heart went on a plummeting dive a few days later, when i found that the husband of my high school best friend passed away due to colon cancer. At age 33, he was in the prime of his life and left behind two young kids. the tragic feeling of loss is quite palpable. too young, too soon. and in the midst of it all, my best friend stands strong not only for herself but for her kids. of all the women i have had the pleasure of knowing, Maris truly is exceptional.

my existence has been on a kind of existential plateau lately that watching these two evenyts happen by the sidelines shook me up. birth and death separated by only a few days. life really is too damn short.

People aren’t always what they seem. Almost three decades of existence has taught me that. On the surface, people might seem exuberant, open, problem-free. On the inside, we all have our own neuroses and idiosyncracies. But if we simply take the time to see and accept all these, we would find that it is this mix of traits that make the people we love so utterly fascinating.

we all have friends who would shamefully plead guilty to the charge of having made the wrong impression on you. On more than one occasion, i was the recipient of such declarations. The only way i have made peace with it is to take them as compliments and move past them.

Case in point: i used to blame my arched eyebrows as it often made people i have just met feel intimidated or worse, scared. i know a few of my students still do. Others even saw it as an indication of haughtiness or would go so far as to describe me with a word that is less PG-rated. Then again, this genetic gift of having thick eyebrows (that i need to pluck on a regular basis, mind you) is not something i can simply write off. a few cups of coffee or bottles of beer and a good conversation later, i am always pleased to hear that they have made a mistaken first impression on me.

i guess that’s just the way it is.

Or take the case of a friend of mine. She recently got into this conversation with some law students and found herself seeing her and me thru their eyes. my friend and i sometimes take for granted our law degrees that these students have been struggling each day to attain and yet, to them, it was like there was this great divide — those who finally got their roll numbers and those who are still signing up for theirs. my friend and i simply shrugged and said, "if only they knew…"  and "oh, all the stories we could tell…"(right weng?)

but i guess that’s how it is in life. we have expectations. we have a certain image that we have on other people. some, even place a mental "dog tag" on people they meet. perhaps that is the reason why we have such things as archetypes and role models.

saint. sinner.

jock.nerd.

homebody. social butterfly.

wife-material. mistress-type.

cassanova. virgin.

committment-phobe. man (or woman)-eater.

career-oriented. domesticated.

it seems utterly delimiting to mentally place tags on people we meet but we are all guilty of that at one point or another. somehow, it makes things easier if we classify or compartmentalize.

but every so often, the people we meet can totally surprise us…

Sometimes, they move past the labels and truly get to know us…strengths and flaws (even the occasional neuroses), and they accept all that. Perhaps they realize that knowing a person means getting past the "black or white" descriptions but truly delve into all the "grey" matters. That the people we love sometimes are a mixture of both labels or could even be a study of contradictions.

it is to these people that i am sending this shout out. i am truly grateful for your open minds and even greater hearts. for seeing more than what the eye can see and for knowing that there is something more in a person than the first impressions you have of them. People i am truly fortunate enough to have in my life as my friends.

i cannot help but feel excited at the thought of school starting next week.

maybe it’s because i am a geek at heart that i look forward to the ringing of the school bell and the hustle and bustle of students in a university, but i love the beginning of another school year…this has always been a constant.

being a teacher hasn’t changed that perspective. in fact, it has given me another take on the same feelings of anticipation and excitement.

these days, i look forward to meeting my new classes and scout the ones i believe would make it a few years down the line when they take the bar exams. i take sheer delight in planning what to wear on the first day just to make sure i make the right impression on my new students. nothing too flashy but nothing too conservative either to make them think their teacher isn’t cool. i still enjoy the scents and sounds of a new year. the opening of new notebooks and selecting the colors of the pens i want to use, highlighters, and other new stuff. the smell of something "new" is always appealing somehow.

i celebrate the start of another school year because it is another opportunity for the faculty to sit down and have dinner with dean inigo, reconnect with colleagues and meet the newest members of the group. this tight knit has become like second family and the yearly faculty meeting is almost like having sunday brunch at home. 

the new school year also marks a time to re-connect with old friends whom i have not seen for quite some time. in the flurry of activities, june also is a time for reunions and catching ups. a time to renew old routines which give me comfort somehow…something as seemingly mundane as winding down after a hard day’s work at a nearby coffee shop or going to mass makes me feel grounded.

last semester, i told my class that it might be the last time that i will be teaching at the law school. i honestly thought that was it. i was supposedly moving onto a new and unmarked chapter in my life — i had plans to study abroad, taking advantage of the fact that there was nothing else much that ties me here.

then i got elected to the IBP. plans had to be rearranged. my dream of further studies had to be deferred for a few more years just until i can finish my term as secretary this 2009. or maybe further studies was never the path i was meant to take. who knows.

i only take comfort in the fact that with the start of a new school year, my usual routine has not changed. i will start classes in a week… i cannot resist the urge to smile and say, "here we go again.."

ever remember a time when you stepped in front of a crowd and you started speaking? just when you thought you got it made as the epitome of a smooth talker — you go ahead and destroy that image with saliva spray. (don’t deny it! it happened to you too!) pity the ones who are the recipient of your generous shower. tee hee.

or what about the time when you thought you were dressed to the nines and you suddenly notice that people are looking at you. not just glancing, but really looking.. and you say to yourself, "man, i look damn good today!" — only to find out after taking a look at yourself in the mirror that your fly was open or that your bra was showing. (yaiks. and yet, this story comes too close to home for some people.)

or what about that time when you were walking down the street and you suddenly tripped and almost everyone conveniently had nothing else to do but witness your fall from grace? (blame the stiletto shoes, or the uneven path but never one’s clumsiness. hehe)

mine was much simpler. and while it may not be as comical as these images i have just described, it still is one big joke and i am the punchline.

life is indeed a bitch sometimes…you can’t help but laugh.

i have been in this slump for the past few days.

i cannot seem to get through my day without downing at least four cups of coffee..only to regret it come dinner time, what with constant palpitations and the sleep deprivation that goes with it. 

with notebooks piled up and waiting for the red ink to mark them, pleadings needing to be typed and filed, errands to do and not much time to do them… i am dead tired. i feel numb.

at the end of the day, i come home to my two dogs who patiently wait for their customary hugs by their owner. sometimes i envy them. they get fed, pampered and in return, they show affection unconditionally. and that is enough for them.

tomorrow i start another round of summer classes. i want to complain but it somehow feels like i am ungrateful for all the blessings God has given. I should be thankful. i AM grateful.

its just that…sometimes, i wish things were simpler. i try to make my life as UN-complicated as possible, only to discover that the circumstances i find myself in have somehow made that more of "wishful thinking."  sometimes i wish i was younger. that way, any mistake i make i could attribute to the follies of youth.

it doesn’t help that i am starting to see signs that i am not getting any younger. yeah.. no matter how desperately we try to avoid it, reality stares back at us when we look at our face in the mirror. i pathetically muster a half-snort, half laugh.

i am trying.. really hard to push myself each morning lately to get out of bed and tell myself that i should be excited coz its a brand new day. new challenges to face, new people to meet. another opportunity to grow. That’s the operational word, "try."

i am dead tired. i haven’t realized that i was this exhausted until recently. i miss my end-of-the- day talks with really good friends. i guess good conversations, and not necessarily earthshakingly profound, mind you, just worthwhile conversations — does renew one’s spirit.. as i have been running out of such conversations from really good friends recently.   

i think it was rene n. who once told us that sooner or later, our friends will eventually be moving in separate circles and we will then find ourselves alone again. it was not so long ago that it was quite predictable to find our posse hanging out at a nearby cafe. nowadays, we shuffle through our calendars simply to pencil in those weekends were we could all be reunited again. (here’s a shout out to my friends still in law school: cherish the times you spend with your law buddies. after oath taking, it will never be the same way again.)

i miss feeling those small moments where i am truly "alive." simple moments that mean the world to me.

like savoring a really good meal and discerning what ingredients made the whole thing taste the way it did.

losing myself in a good book.

listening to tunes that make you stop and say "aaahhh…they got it!"

Or even just the simple pleasure of being with someone who makes you feel more "awake"..more "real"..more "alive" — with each moment you spend with him/her, despite your mutual lack of sleep.

these days, i find solace in the four corners of my room. i flip the remote and nothing interesting is on tv. i surf the web and nothing catches my fancy. i really am exhausted.

hitting the sheets, i toss and turn. wake up at odd hours for no apparent reason at all. damn, i miss those straight eight hours of blissful sleep. hot summer evenings don’t make the situation any easier. i am suddenly wishing i were someplace else..someplace cold.

tomorrow’s another day of the same routine. i need to pull myself out of this slump. God help me.

My mom is my best friend.

Growing up, i consider myself truly lucky because i have a mother with whom i can be totally honest with. She was never the “punish now, feel remorse later” type of a mom. she was more the “lets sit down and talk about it” mom. from those days when i was in high school where we would put our feet up in the bedroom (in our vain attempt to escape varicose veins) while we do a recap of what happened to us that day leading up to the most recent 8 am to 8pm running errands day (hehehe dakilang driver, right mom?) she and i have that kind of bond that transcends blood ties.

while i might be known in my profession because of my dad, i would like to believe that the woman i have become is all because of her. a very loyal and supportive wife to her husband, loving “stage mother” to her kids (hehehe), diligent career woman, strength, beauty and grace personified… it would truly be an honor if i could become even half the woman that my mother is.